How does someone even begin to consider sitting in a room with someone who has killed your child? We all know that forgiveness is vital to moving on, but what if you can’t? The OWN Network premeired a new show, ‘Confronting’ that allowed the viewers to follow the process of mediation between victims and offenders….and their first face to face conversation.
It almost felt wrong to watch as people were suffocating from their grief. This episode shared the story of Lisa Denks, the mother of Richard (Ricky) who was killed when he got into the car with Kelly Simpson. Kelly had been inder the influence and ended up in a horrible car accident. Ricky, the only other passenger, wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and died on the scene. The lives of his family and friends changed forever…as did Kelly’s. Kelly only served jail time for less than a year. When she was released she didn’t walk the road she should have. After failing a drug test, she landed herself back in prison with 4 years tacked onto her original sentence.
The first half of the show, viewers were given a glimpse into Ricky’s life, able to see the pain his family and friends were in, and taken through the emotional retelling of the accident. As Ricky’s grandmother, Jean, shared that she was unable to forgive Kelly…no matter what she said, his mother tried to find someway to find move past the grief. Tired of hating and aware that it was consuming her life, Lisa decided to meet with Kelly.
It had been 7 years since her son had been killed…7 years without laughter or happiness. I’m not sure Lisa knew what she needed from this meeting, but she knew she needed something to change. The mediator did her best to prep both Lisa and Kelly for the meeting., such as letting Kelly know what Lisa may ask or do. Anything she could to help this be a positive meeting.
As they both sat in the room…silent at first, I could actually feel the thickness in the air. Unable to look each other in the eyes, both woman were crying before they could even begin. Lisa began with showing photos of Ricky. Beginning with him as a baby, pictures as he got older, at the prom, from the night they were at the party together and eventually ending with the photo of him in a casket at his funeral. Kelly couldn’t hold back, later sharing that the photo of him in the casket “brought to light what I did.”
Lisa went on to share how she hasn’t “had a life. I’ve just been existing” as she talks of living out of sweats, unable to live or breath and just being so unhappy for years. Lisa was comforted knowing that Kelly was crying and feeling “a pinch of my saddness” being that Kelly had “consumed her life for 7 years.” Kelly then shared how she had been a mess in her life…drugs, no self-worth, overall mess when she first got out of prison. Giving birth to her son in prison, changed her perspective. Lisa encouraged her to be grateful and said “something can happen to him in a heartbeat and you’ll never know when that last time is.” NO! Not like a mafia threat…just a reminder that life is precious.
Both women went on to talk about Ricky and even laughed, something Lisa never could have imagined. She found herself being able to let go of the pain and anger only to find that she could breathe again. As they hugged, Lisa told Kelly that she forgave her “with all my heart.” Kelly couldn’t stop smiling and shared that “it felt so good to hug her. I’ve dreamed of that.” They were both finding some closure to the pain they had held onto for years.
Lisa was finally able to move forward with life and start living again. Reclaiming her life, Lisa knew she couldn’t have done it without Kelly who helped her to let go of the anger. However, she was concerned that Kelly wouldn’t walk the straight and narrow once she left prison. Kelly reassured her and reminded her that she didn’t have the desire before, but now Lisa had “freed me from a lot of self-hatred, low self-worth, no self-respect. Just a lot of negative traits that I’ve been carrying around since Rick died”.
The encounter did so much for both women. They even stayed in touch after it. Kelly refocused her energy on being a good mom, while Lisa enjoyed being able to laugh and be happy again.
As I watched ‘Confronting’, I was a bit overwhelmed by all the saddness in the first half. Knowing it was vital to the story, I couldn’t help but get lost in the untold stories of Ricky, Lisa, his grandmother and family, Kelly and all of those who love her. One mistake or thoughtless behavior can devastate so many lives. The mediation helped both Lisa and Kelly to move on. BUT, for those who haven’t had that opportunity, losing a loved one can leave you broken, empty and trapped in pain. Forgiveness is less about the other person and SO much more about yourself. It would bury me to see my loved ones lost in so much pain. Let go of the pain and live…that is what any loved one would want.