It seems that every week Oprah makes me cry, Rosie makes me laugh and Lisa pushes me to think outside my comfort zone.  This week’s Our America with Lisa Ling was about “Modern Polygamy”.   Before I powered up my TiVo, I thought back to a documentary I had written back in June, “Sons of Perdition”.  Honestly I didn’t think there was much Lisa could say that would change my comfort boundaries.   Despite her openness, I was set in stone.  However, by the end of the show…I could better understand some of the choices.  I am still opinionated about the topic, but I also learned a little something.

I am not the only person who has issues with these arrangements.  Many people find this lifestyle difficult to accept.  Back in 1862, Abraham Lincoln banned polygamy stating that it was immoral and in itself a form of slavery.   But many of us have no clue what this lifestyle truly entails.  To begin it is important to distinguish the basic beliefs (as best I can) between a community like this and the infamous Warren Jeffs cult.  The Mormon Church originally believed that plural marriage was sanctioned by God in ancient times.  However, in 1890 they denounced polygamy causing a divide with some of their followers.  Some of them splintered off to form their own communities.  They believed that this was the way God lives and in order to receive his blessings, they needed to live as does.  The belief is that if you live a quality life, then you may become a god or goddess.  It takes time, but they believe it is possible.  The interesting part….men are not allowed to pursue their wives. The women have the sole choice of who they believe God wants them to be with.  If they are having trouble with hearing God’s choice, they can ask for advice or even suggestions on a man. 

I have to wonder if these men go around flirting or ingratiating themselves with the women they are attracted to.  I know they say it is up to God but I am certain there is attraction.  How many wives the “hot” guys have in comparison to an average man?  I know you all are thinking so don’t judge me!  I just think it has to be an issue on some level.

During the show, Lisa introduced us to two different families.  The first was a young man, Isaiah, who had two wives.  Both he and his first wife, Marlene, married when they were only 18 years old.  After 8 years, Becca joined their family.  “I believe that this is the way God lives and I believe that this is a superior way to live” Marlene shared.  Although jealousy can be an issue for both Becca and Marlene, they try to recognize it isn’t about “sharing your man” but instead about “joining the family”.    Yet as the families grow, how do these women handle sharing?  Lisa Ling was able to report on what they were willing to say….I wonder what they aren’t saying.  I understand the appeal of having a group of women and children that you can rely on, knowing that you will never be alone or have to handle a crisis without support.  These bonds the women form can be strong.  But when it comes to intimacy, it has to be awkward.   Feeling inadequate when a new wife comes in, feeling insignificant when you are one of many, feeling like a number…I know there must be more to this story. 

The show also highlighted Michael, a school teacher, husband of three and father of 15.  Rose, his first wife was one of 67 siblings to 10 mothers.  This was the only life she knew and despite being dissatisfied, she was dedicated to it but wanted another wife.  Seven years into her marriage, Connie joined their family.  Rose was relieved to have another woman take care of his physical needs after 7 years.  The most unsettling piece…Connie was Michael’s 6^th grade math pupil. When she was only 12, she realized her math teacher was the one.  When she was 19, she finally shared her choice and was married 3 weeks later.  She had never spoken to Rose before they were married.  Although it started out fine, they all were learning to live in their new roles.  You could read it in their faces…something was wrong.  Then a third wife, Teresa was added to mix and her and Connie had a hard time adjusting to each other.  Teresa hadn’t been living with them for several months.  I was surprised to hear that she had options.  She could divorce him, live separately from the family or make it work.  However, I wonder how much societal pressure there is to stay on path.  She admitted that of course it would be easier to have only one guy and only her children…there would be fewer people to interact or have conflict with.  But this journey was needed for her character and spiritual growth.  By the end of the show, she was back under Michael’s roof. 

Lisa also introduced a group of all women who were meeting with a gay activist for training.  They were determined to fight for their rights and lifestyle.  The punishment for polygamy is 7.5 years in jail.   Although the Arizona and Utah authorities agreed to only prosecute cases with abuse, the women feared this was no guarantee.   At this time, the children born can’t have their father’s name present on their birth certificate.  It would be proof.  They claim to want the ability to have their children not feel like second class citizens.  The reality is that these women believe strongly in their religion and fear the repercussions.

On an exciting note, the girls’ basketball team was heading out into the world for the first time to play against other girls in the area.  Wearing skirts, they hit the gym floor and won their first game.  What a moment for them!  I only wonder how or if their views will change once they are exposed to other girls their own age.  A whole new world with very different views. 

Lisa then introduces Robert.  Once conflicted by the discrepancies of what he was told and the reality of his lifestyle, he managed to turn his life around with the help of the community.  Growing up in a family of 10 with two mothers, he thought – “I’m not loved.  They don’t want me. They don’t need me.”  He was suicidal, detached and using drugs.  After getting help, he found the courage to live life again.  “I live in a village that raises a child. The whole is greater than sum of the parts”.  Although some people have left, they believe that each person will be taught and then tested…and not everyone will pass. 

With so much secrecy in the past, it appears the community is trying to open the doors for a few select eyes.   My concern is that these are the poster families and individuals they community WANTS us to see.  We are missing the behind doors conversations that people typically only have when fear isn’t present.  I realize that many of these women choose this life and are happy, but I have seen cult members interviewed that appear happy, too.  This episode has sparked so many conversations and leads me to question what I believed and what I know.  The effects on the men who may love only one yet feel pulled, the women who settle for what she is expected to do, the young girls fear of finding the right person, and the young boys as they grow up with this responsibility for caring for multiple families…do they have therapists in their community because I would think it would be a necessity.   What I do know for sure is that every person deserves to live free of fear and deserves to be truly loved…hopefully these women and men are able find both.