To catch us up on Dr. Laura Berman…she’s still taking calls and talking about anything and everything. A little behind on the recaps, I’ve decided to double up from this week and last week’s class. Always interesting, Dr. B talks about things that I could only probably talk about on a “girl’s weekend” with all my closest friends as we drink margaritas at the beach… Apparently, it’s STILL good to be having these conversations…so thank goodness for Dr. B because she’ll talk about ANYTHING.  Dr. B just says it… Any show with a disclaimer…will probably make me blush…but not her.  I might…you might too.  Onto my notes… 

Here are the discussion topics:

• Am I normal or not?  What is normal “in the bedroom?” – Feeling silly in the bedroom – this is normal.  What looks silly to you just might be arousing to your partner.  Relax.  Silly is normal.  Silly just might be a sign that ‘you’re into it.’
• After having kids, feel like you have no or low libido – It’s very common after having a baby for your hormones to be out of whack.  Especially if you are nursing too.  It’s common after having a baby for your body to take some time to become balanced again.  Wait 6 months to a year after you stop breast feeding…it should come back.  If not, go back and have your hormones checked.  You many have low testosterone.  Check out the symptoms of low testosterone…google it.  Get your hormone levels checked if you are wondering…
• Losing Sexual Interest – Beginning is the “infatuation stage”…then, from there you are in the ‘attachment stage’ where it’s a more deeper part of the relationship.  People who have fears of intimacy or worried about being vulnerable about getting hurt will have a hard time going into the attachment stage.  Work on your own healing…get counceling.  It’s normal…but help yourself make it easier and find someone to talk to you about being vulnerable.
• On your body image – “It can stand in the way of your pleasure and your freedom to connect with your partner,” Dr. B. tells us.  Know this…and be aware.
• Insecurity springs up with relationships…what’s up with this?  – This may connect back to our father relationship…and not having the connection with your dad…so it’s natural to judge yourself, “If I were more beautiful…smart…then maybe he would connect with me,” Dr. B points out and says, “I heard this many times before.”  So it links back to how you grew up…and making sure your heart is safe.  Core in the family of self esteem issues, it’s going to get in your way.  So, get some therapy “family of origin issues” therapist…to help yourself work on your OWN self esteem.  Dr. B promises it will help in millions of areas in your life.
• Dr. B site a study that shows that 51% of women would sacrifice a year of sex if they could be skinny.  Only 5 % of men would change their partners looks if they could and 54% of men said they would never break up with a woman for being overweight.  Hmmmm…something to think about.
• Body image insecurity is not just women…men have it too and it’s not that uncommon. 
• What about snooping in a marriage?  All comes back to an element of trust.  When a man doesn’t share all the details, it doesn’t mean that he’s withholding them…it might just me because that’s how men communicate. 
• Husband wants his wife to have sex more often…and she only will once a year.  So, Dr. B. tells him that it sounds like a “nice girl” complex…and it’s not uncommon.  Sexual guilt and difficulty feeling comfortable and entitled to have an enjoyable sex life are some of the issues that women carry with them.  “Sexual punishment” is what Dr. B calls it.  There’s no quick fix…and Dr. B recommends a therapist. 
• Sex toys…open or not open?  Dr. B says sometimes men worry about being replaced by a ‘toy’…but suggests that re-framing the experience to being about “you and your partner…the mechanical device is just an aid…”
• What about “threesomes”…it’s at the top of men’s lists and is common and normal for men to fantasize about…but one of the things that Dr. B. does NOT encourage.  It’s a common fantasy…but you can’t be jealous and you have to be a good communicator…and can quickly become a huge disaster.  Dr. B says…not a good idea…but a good way to open up the discussion on fantasies…
• Feeling deserving – If someone is so into you and loving you…take it.  Don’t think you are not deserving…maybe you really are…
• Sex Dates – Should this be on your ‘to-do list’ or should you count on it just happening organically?  Well, Dr. B challenges that if it’s needed, you need to put it on your list.  It’s not always easy and spontaneous when you have a busy life…so, some pre-planning probably could help many. 
• Closing the arousal gap – Be direct and in a positive way…that’s all I’m going to say.
• Talking to Kids about Pornography – What do you do when your 12 year old kid is seaching pornography on the home computer?  Kids at this age are exploring and self stimulation…all normal.  But…kids watching pornography is an unrealistic expectation…and sometimes scary.  So, Dr. B. suggests talking with the child and explaining, “This is something designed for adults and an adults imagination.  It is not real.  This is not what women really look like and it’s not what sex really is and the things that happen are not really what women really even enjoy…”  It’s normal that he’s curious…but let him know it’s not healthy for kids to look at it.  He can do it when he’s an adult… No shame…just normal talk.  Dr. B says…this is a good reason to keep computers in a public area at home…not a bad idea.
• Spicing it up – Surprises are not always a good thing.  Talk to them about it first…
• Communication styles – what is the right way to fight?  Dr. B says “you are not alone with this problem…”  and that many couples have different ways to communicate and deal with disagreements.  Dr. B pays referee…and here’s her strategy. Step 1 – What is it that I am feeling?   (angry, sad, scared, joyful or lustful) Step 2 – What’s the thought behind my feeling?  Step 3 – What is it that I want?    “Stick to that and you’ll be in good shape with your arguments,” Dr. B says.  Great advice.  Class over.