With all the drama from last week’s episode, Ryan and Tatum did their best to straighten out the mess that they left behind in DC. Last episode ended as Ryan stormed out of a restaurant in DC while Tatum was bursting out all that she needed to say. It was clear this week would be full of intense moments. Matter of fact, if the cameras hadn’t been rolling, it may have taken another 25 years for them to come together again.
Back at home, both father and daughter went about their lives. They hadn’t talked since DC and it had been over a week. Both disappointed how it all went down, they knew in time they’d need to address it. Until then, they hid themselves in their daily lives and tried to cool down.
As Tatum moved forward with a photo shoot for her new book, Found, Ryan couldn’t help but start to worry about what the book would reveal. It “kind of alarms me now if she still carries these grudges,” Ryan shared. Referring to Tatum and her brother as “assassins” for turning on him, Ryan feared what secrets or lies Tatum may have written. Honestly, I think he was more concerned about people judging him for his actions. Alcohol, drugs, abuse, abandonment…all claims that Tatum had made. Now she was getting ready to release her book and Ryan had no idea what to expect.
“She’s my daughter and there’s a certain rule that you’re respectful to your parents and she’s broken that rule over and over again,” Ryan said on his way to see his therapist. He just needed someone to talk to and Dr. Kadish was the perfect person. As he gave the details about the DC dinner, his therapist did his best to help Ryan recognize that he needed “to be able to listen to her version of the events…her truth.” He was convinced that Tatum made a lot of the memories up in her mind. Once again believing that his only crime was fleeing to Farrah, I am not sure Ryan got it at all. Dr. Kadish ended by asking him, “Do you love your daughter?” We all know that Ryan loves his daughter, but he was struggling with liking her. When a family session was recommended, Ryan suggested they wait….as a punishment to her for treating him badly. “If she doesn’t come around, I’m moving on.”
In that moment I had to pause. He was going to make her pay for acting against him….not an uncommon gesture in abuse. His relationship was based on rules and retaliation. As long as she didn’t cross a line, things were alright. BUT once she did something he didn’t like, he withheld his love and reminded her that he could abandon her once again. This may have worked when Tatum was younger, but she understood the game now all too well.
Feeling as if she was ready, Tatum dove back into therapy with a new doctor. She gave her a quick recap of the DC trip…leaving out the claims she made at the dinner which caused her father to leave. “I take responsibility for my addiction. I take responsibility for my failures, but I didn’t have a good start,” Tatum informed the doctor. “There’s this enormous past and there’s all this abuse, a lot of physical abuse and emotional, too.” She then went on to share that she had slit her wrists when she was younger…trying to escape it all. Her dad was all she had. Tatum now lived with the belief that her father doesn’t love or even like her. By the end of the session it was clear that Tatum, the little girl, was in need of love from her father…she wanted to matter to him.
So many times people fall into emotional quicksand that still lies around from their childhood. Everyone wants to feel loved and valued. Tatum’s childhood lacked unconditional love. There hasn’t been a moment in my life that I didn’t think I was my mother’s favorite person…each of my sisters could say the same. Unconditional love was always present. I think at times my mom compensated for my father who was a lot like Ryan in many ways. If I broke a rule and called him on his actions, there were consequences and I knew he loved me less. When he forget my birthdays, it no longer hurt because I knew I wasn’t his priority. When he left me sitting on the curb waiting for hours while he had drinks with women, I knew. Looking back today my father had no idea of he damage he was doing and to be honest he probably wouldn’t have cared. My point…past actions can leave HUGE holes in your emotional make-up. The good news…you can heal with understanding.
Tatum has watched her father grieve and talk about how much he loved Farrah all along unsure if he even loved her at all. Parents are suppose to love their kids to the max, right? That is what makes us feel worthy, connected and important. It is the foundation for our relationships to come. However, growing up feeling unloved and unchosen can taint your heart and leave you with incredibly low self-esteem. It doesn’t surprise me that Tatum needed to get all this out and it doesn’t shock me that Ryan was unwilling to address it.
After talking to her sponsor, Patty, Tatum was able to refocus on life. She needed to get “spiritually fit”. Tatum decided to volunteer…a great way to rejuvenate your spirit. As she heard the stories of the kids in the program, Tatum made the comment “no coincidences.” I totally agree! She needed to hear their stories…a reminder to be grateful and make the best of life. As one student told her how she had been raped by members of her own family AND that her mother blamed her, Tatum looked her in the eyes and told her, “You know what’s real. You know what happened. So it doesn’t matter if she believes you or not.” I wondered if she’d see the correlation when she watched this scene later. It doesn’t matter what her dad believes…living her truth is what matters. She may be able to find peace in saying what she needs to say, and then move on. Ryan may never be at a place where he can admit it or even see it. But it doesn’t matter…she knows.
As time went on, Ryan started to really miss his daughter. He kept himself entertained by trying to potty train Mozart. It definitely kept him busy. The first night he crated Mozart, he broke out and headed straight to bed with his dad. Ryan had been thinking about how to repair things with Tatum and probably needed the extra love…dogs just know, I tell you. Still sad about not talking to Tatum, Ryan called his therapist to set up an appointment only to find out that her therapist had arranged a session for them all. “This could be a train wreck,” Ryan worried, but he was going to see his daughter. It had been two weeks and Ryan was hopeful they could find make some headway.
Before the session, Ryan invited his friend Mela over to cheer him up. Mela believed that one issue between Ryan and his daughter was her intense love for him….and her struggle with “not knowing where to place it, how to place it.” Then came one of the biggest “A-HA moments” for this show. Ryan began to tell a story about working on Paper Moon. The director had told him that his character never thought for a moment that Tatum’s character was his daughter. He wanted Ryan to be sure that he didn’t think of her as his daughter. “Maybe it never wore off,” Ryan wondered. WOW! That is huge if true. Staying in character their entire relationship. An unsaid wall, a distance. It surely would make a lot of sense.
Ready for the joint therapy session, both Ryan and Tatum were nervous yet hoping for the best. Ryan admitted that if she brought up the same issues he may have to walk out…again. As they began it was clear that the love and fear was there. Tatum shared a lot. She admitted that the topic of Farrah brings up a lot of issues from her past. Hence the reason the “all about Farrah” trip was such a trigger. “I got angry and I started attacking.” She apologized and Ryan quickly accepted it. As Tatum shared more, Ryan watched her carefully as if finally seeing a piece of her for the first time. Ryan wished they had spoken more freely at the times where Tatum was feeling sad. Tears came to Tatum’s eyes as her father shared how much her mother loved her. For a kid that only knew her mother as an addict and an absent parent….she needed to hear that. In the end, Ryan acknowledged that he had some responsibility in the things that went wrong in Tatum’s childhood, but “what can I do? It’s over. It’s done.” They both sat in silence.
Communication is so important. When people start talking, things can change. It may not happen the way you hope or plan, but be open. Know your truth and remember it isn’t important that you convince or assign blame for what has happened….only that you learn from it. It is all about the lessons!
Next episode….Tatum loses a friend to drugs, Ryan finally gets his hands on her book and more family therapy!