Last week I shared that things were hard. Emotionally I was getting pounced on. I hadn’t done anything to provoke the attacks, but sometimes…energy just needs a place to flow. I was that place last week. Now that I have recharged and am in a good place, it is easy to see that there are no real coincides.  Our Martha Beck week of OYou Boot Camp came as I was still emotionally exhausted and under the rubble. I wasn’t real familiar with Martha Beck and expected this week’s journey to open my eyes. I read a few articles here and there but had no real “O moments”. ..until late last night.

I must start by saying that I have the most incredible family. A group of smart, articulate, funny, thoughtful Oprah-grown people. Even my 13 year old nephew communicates his emotions better than most of the men I have ever dated. But with that said…every once in a while they mug me!

The transformation spark ignited with Martha Beck’s emotional muggers article. In truth the title shouted for my attention. Feeling as if I had just survived my own beat down, I knew it was put in front of me for a reason. So, what does Martha consider to be an emotional mugging? “You’re going along minding your own business, and suddenly, when you least expect it, you’re faced with a shocking attack on your mood or peace of mind.” OMG, that is totally what happened to me. Thirsty for more, I needed to know – how does one protect themselves from an emotional mugging? After Martha shared her “emo-do” techniques (the way of the emotional master), I felt better prepared to make an unhealthy situation healthy again. Here is what I learned.

It is important to be in the emotionally right place. Just as you wouldn’t walk down a dark alley, make sure your head is in the right place. Fear, self-hatred and negative thoughts attract muggers. You need to create a self-confident, clean inner space. Martha tells us that “you must keep three brave commitments. First, vow never to deliberately create suffering for yourself or others. (If you can’t do this, count on being mugged frequently. There’s no honor among thieves.) Second, always own your mistakes and do your best to correct them. Third, forgive yourself when your best isn’t good enough.” Works for me!

There are 6 basic types of emotional muggers. AND there are Emo-Do defense methods to deal with each type, as laid out by Martha Beck.

1. Puppy kickers – when frustrated people sometimes shout out not so nice things, usually thrown down on kids. Defense: Realize it isn’t about you. Walk away or if you are daring enough, try saying, “You seem really stressed. Can I help?”
2. Exploding Doormats – people who don’t stand up for themselves and hold onto the frustration only to explode later at the smallest of comments. Defense: Open, frank communication is needed. Don’t let things fester with people like this.
3. Deflators- with a poking comment, one’s hopes or excitement is immediately deflated. Defense: Since most of them have a history of feeling as if they have been crushed, they don’t respond well to talking. Just ignore them and try to shake off their pessimism.
4. Secret Keepers- if an argument seems to come out of nowhere, you may be dealing with a secret keeper. Defense: don’t jump to conclusions but don’t ignore the gut feelings you are having. Stay grounded in reality and ask questions. If it continues, revise your trust levels and keep your eyes open.
5. Cannibals- these are the people that I have always referred to as emotional vampires. The feed off your positive energy and leave you feeling drained. This is common with people who constantly dump their emotional garbage on you because you make them feel better. It’s okay to help, but don’t be abused. Defense: instead of feeding the person the attention and consolation they are looking for, remind them that you know they are resourceful and can handle it. This usually sends them on their way.
6. Dementors- Yes….just like the ones in Harry Potter. Someone who seems to get off on your pain and suffering. They are unhappy and don’t seem to care who they hurt. Defense: Stay away from people like this or emotionally distance yourself as much as possible. NEVER trust them with your thoughts.

Even now that you can identify the attackers and have a basic plan to stop them, you may still end up a victim. So, what should you do after an attack? Start by letting go of the negative energy. It belongs to the mugger, not you. If you can’t, then it is possible that either you did provoke the attack or you think you did. Go back to the emo-do code and don’t make yourself suffer by thinking you deserved the attack. Look at what might have triggered it and try to prevent it from happening again. Then, forgive yourself for the whole thing and move one.

Just remember that “even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it’s still possible you’ll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace…sanity begins the moment you admit you’re powerless over other people.”

Throughout my life my mother has reminded me “don’t let it get to you,” but I haven’t always been able to do that. Armed with my new protective gear, now it might be possible. Just in case…I’m still going to avoid the dark alleys.