OWN’s Ryan & Tatum: The O’Neals shared the raw and at times uncomfortable truth of a father and daughter as they struggled to repair their tumultuous relationship. This week’s finale was unable to bring closure to the healing that both Tatum and Ryan desperately needed. Anyone who watched the docu-series could see how much they loved one. Unfortunately as they moved through the process of forgiveness, the same walls seemed to be getting in their way. Whenever the topic of physical abuse was hinted at, Ryan pulled away and either got angry or threatened to abandon the process. With each denial, Tatum found herself pulling further away. As they both struggled to move forward, they looked to their closest friends to ground themselves from the storm.

Since the end of last episode, Tatum remained lost in her father’s insensitive comment about pushing her when she was pregnant. At the same time Ryan appeared ready to give up and abandon the relationship. Unsure how to handle it all, Ryan sought out the advice of a dear friend and neighbor. When she suggested that possibly Tatum just needed for him to acknowledge what happened so they could move through it, Ryan conceded, “I’ve done some acknowledging, not enough perhaps. But that comes with time. I’m still defensive.”

With all the tension surrounding the last therapy session, Ryan became even more concerned about Tatum’s upcoming book. He was obsessed with getting access to it. All of a sudden it became an issue of entitlement. Whereas in the beginning Tatum was offering her father a chance to read it, Ryan’s demands caused Tatum to pause and rethink the situation. Suddenly it was about control and his right to see it. Tatum didn’t react well to this. Her father didn’t have the right to place an ultimatum on her. The strain only grew stronger between them. He told his therapist, “I don’t want to be a fool that carries on with her and she’s writing terrible things. I should read the book. If it horrifies me, then I will strike her out…I can do that.” Yes, it was that easy. If she said something mean, it was over. Both Tatum and Ryan were guilty of this threat. Leaving was always on the table. It was a familiar pattern. Despite Dr. Kadish’s attempts to help Ryan see Tatum’s perspective, the session didn’t change his view. He was determined to see if she was telling too much or ruining his reputation as he felt she had done in her last book, A Paper Life. The more Ryan asked to read it…the more stressful it became.

So I ask…what is right? Does Ryan have the right to demand to see the book? Should Tatum have felt obligated to show him? Not one to typically air my dirty laundry, I can see where Ryan is coming from, especially someone from his generation. He was worried about what his daughter was going to say. I still can’t stop my mother from telling stories about the jerk I dated, or all the stupid things I did growing up. But the reality is that it is all true. For Tatum, this was her story and she didn’t need or want her father’s input or approval. It wasn’t his place to edit her. She had given him the beginning of the book and he already tried to give advice on sugar-coating her mother’s addiction. Could you imagine if he had access to the whole book? It was clear that Tatum was at a place where she needed to come from behind the curtain and speak her truth. The book was about the events in her life and what led her to become the woman she is today, mistakes and all. So if she happens to write that her father hit her, it has relevance. Regardless, it is HER story. Ryan can write his own “Righting the Wrong” book if he feels the need.

Still unsure of what she was going to do, Tatum called in her life coach, Dawn Andrews, to help her out. Dawn had her role play out what she wanted to say to her father and then…with a wash of reality said, “Totally valid but not gonna make a difference.” Such a refreshing voice of reason. As they went on to discuss how Ryan hadn’t taken responsibility for some of his actions, she reminded Tatum that “Somewhere in there he did the best he could as a father. He did everything he knew how to do at the time and it sucked.” She continued by refocusing Tatum on the goal – to build a bridge with her father even if it meant being the bigger person. This was so important for Tatum to hear. It was a way to move beyond the abuse and still put the responsibility where it lies.

While Tatum was working it all out with Dawn, Ryan called the one person he trusted the most, his business manager and close friend, Bernie. Bernie had been with Ryan since he married Tatum’s mom and he was very close with the whole family…kind of like a neutral family member. He was the perfect middleman. With the ultimatum being laid down by Ryan (let me see or this is it), Bernie stepped in and asked Tatum to meet with him and talked about the book. He reminded her that resolution was important for their relationship and that when her father dies, “part of you dies with him.” After showing Bernie the book, Tatum left with her own “A-HA” moment. It wasn’t about the backstory anymore…it was about the NOW. She needed to let the past go “as hard as that is”. She was ready to reach out. So she decided it was time to make the first move and apologize for hurting her father with his first book.

Bernie made the call Ryan had been waiting for. Finally someone he trusted got the dirt. Bernie reassured Ryan that Tatum’s book was “about her life but she’s doing it in an analytical way as a mature person who loves her father.” He then followed up with, “Believe me, Ryan; you’ll be proud of this book.” Joking that he should have married Bernie, it was clear that Ryan was finally able to breathe a little easier.

The day of the joint therapy session arrived and viewers weren’t sure if it was going to happen. They hadn’t spoken since the last session. Tatum didn’t know if her dad would show, but she went anyway. As she waited, her father arrived with his buffer, Mozart. The room was incredibly TENSE. It was hard to watch. They start out a bit guarded and remained that way for the entire session…but they both stayed. Tatum crafted her way into the conversation careful to not push triggers. As she spoke about her book, Ryan stopped her and asked the therapists, “Is it healthy to air your dirty laundry and should family members do that to each other?” Tatum tried to assure her father that it wasn’t about secrets that would hurt him. Ryan still worried…the last book had been really hard on him. Tatum took a moment and then after a deep breath, she sincerely apologized to her father for A Paper Life. I think she needed it more than her dad at the moment. Regardless, it seemed to be an olive branch that opened them up…just a little. In the end, Ryan looked at his daughter with a lump in his throat and said “I need you Tatum” and honestly, I believed him. My mother always told me that “love and anger run close.” The more you love someone, the more vulnerable you are to being hurt. Clearly there was a lot of love and a lot of hurt in that room. The session ended well…and it appeared the O’Neals were back on track.

Having a bite after the session, they made plans to see each other on a regular basis. Ryan took the initiative and asked Tatum if she would consider going back to see the home where he lived with her and her mother. When she asked why, Ryan explained that he was happy there. It was a place where he became a husband, a father and a man. Bernie had shared some history earlier in the show. Apparently Ryan married Joanna when he was 19. Joanna was 9 years older. He found himself being the go-to caregiver for Tatum while her mother worked. I can see now why those years were so meaningful to him. He was happy, in love for the first time, and raising his first child. The world was good.

The following day Ryan arranged with the owners of their old home for him and Tatum to come in and take a look around. He wanted to share some good memories with his daughter. They spent the day walking through as Ryan told incredibly happy stories about their life there. Later he shared, “So at some point during this process, I realized I have my issues, too, and to love her, I had to let them go.” As their journey came to a close it was fitting that they had returned to where it all began. Maybe it will help them to start again.

For Tatum, the process turned out different than she had expected. “By stepping back and taking responsibility for the part that I’ve held onto for 35 years, I realize that it’s only me that has to change…To me letting go is bringing love into the equation.” And anyone who watched this season knows that Tatum loves her father. Ryan said with great hope, “We may have a future. I would love that. I’m her dad.” In the final scenes, they both walked down the beach together – hopeful. Their journey hasn’t been easy and at times it got extremely messy. I wasn’t sure where this would end or if it would stick for either of them. Relationships are hard, especially ones with hurtful pasts.

My advice – as long as the abuse has stopped, try to find a place where you can accept the imperfections of the ones you love. We are all flawed, including parents. People sometimes make selfish or ignorant decisions. The important thing to remember is that it isn’t about you. The truth is that everyone has their own backstory. I understand the importance of hearing that the person knows they did something wrong…and a sorry would be a serious bonus. However, you can’t make someone admit to something that they aren’t ready to deal with AND them not admitting doesn’t take the truth from you. I guess what I am trying to say is that they are not the catalyst for your change. You don’t need a sorry or acknowledgment to move forward.

Hopefully Tatum and Ryan can find a comfortable level they can exist on, whether it is dinner once a month or simply talking on the phone…just something. Bernie was right. Once your parent goes, your chance at any conversation or reconciliation is lost and that is hard to live with. I always make it a point to try to live life with no regrets, because in the end…love is all that matters.