There is no manual on how to be a good parent, but children don’t know that. To them, their parents are their map to becoming a good person. What they know they learn from those around them. For Tatum O’Neal, her influences were limited. Her life with her mother had been filled with physical abuse and constant exposure to addictive behaviors. Not the best environment for any child to grow up in. Knowing she couldn’t take care of her children, Tatum’s mom handed them off to Ryan. However, Ryan’s own lifestyle wasn’t much better. He continued to expose Tatum to addiction and violence. This week…all the issues seemed to boil to the top.

The episode began with Farrah Fawcett. The red swimsuit she wore on the famous poster was being inducted into the Smithsonian Institute. Such an honor. Ryan was flying to DC for the ceremony and wanted Tatum to accompany him. Soon after Tatum agreed, the emotional issues started popping up…no matter how hard she fought to keep them down. Since they were going to be so close to NYC, Tatum thought it would be wonderful opportunity to see her son, Kevin. The last time Ryan saw him, was 13 years ago. He had only seen his grandson 3 times in his life…not exactly close. So, not only was Tatum dealing with the “Farrah” issue, but she couldn’t help but worry about how it would go between her father and son. This wasn’t going to be a stress-free trip.

As they shared a meal before heading to DC, Ryan told Tatum that he was working on a tribute to Farrah. He had personal home movies that he was hoping to share. He asked Tatum to come along to view them. Unsettled and beginning to feel sick, Tatum agreed but found herself unable to even enter the house to watch them. It was bringing up WAY too much for her, WAY too fast. She wasn’t ready. I am a strong believer that if you don’t deal with an issue, it will infect you. It didn’t surprise me that Tatum was physically sick.  

As Ryan sat in a small room watching what was apparently the beginnings of a documentary about Farrah Fawcett, he found himself depressed about his relationship with Tatum. It was complicated. “I didn’t know how to juggle them. I only caught one and dropped the other” Ryan commented as he spoke about Farrah and Tatum. To Tatum, Farrah represented the breakdown of the only family she once had. It wasn’t Farrah’s fault, but her relationship with her dad was the catalyst for him abandoning his children.

Forced to live alone with her brother at the age of 15, Tatum found herself having to raise her younger brother. Eventually she dropped out of high school. Her path was changing and no one seemed to care. The only time her dad seemed to really include her was for the occasional game or racket ball….a game that Tatum grew to hate. She shared that one time she was late to play racket ball and her father hit her in the face. Later she brought up the event to her dad and he said “you’re face would be upside down if I hit you in the face. Have you seen the size of my hand?” Him not acknowledging her truth was enough for Tatum. That was when she changed her number and moved away. It was just too much to deal with and she “was done being her dad’s daughter.” With all this on her mind, Tatum didn’t know if she should go to DC.

When you are in a relationship with someone that you have abandonment issues with, you are fearful of ANY confrontation. Usually that leads to someone eventually exploding and their worst fears being on the verge of happening. Almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. However with Tatum and her dad, Tatum tends to backdoor the topic and it plays out….on this show and usually over dinner.

Before they left, Farrah’s friend, David Pinsky, came over and went over the itinerary for the Smithsonian ceremony. At the request of Ryan, he prepared Ryan’s speech for him. With everything in order, Ryan feared that Tatum would back out of the trip. I was obvious that Ryan loved his daughter, worried about her and hoped she would make it. Once in DC, Ryan pressed on and gave interviews about his loss and how much he loved Farrah. It was going to be a hard, emotional trip for everyone.

Full of mixed emotions, Tatum headed off to the ceremony with her father. After Ryan’s lovely speech, they headed off to the luncheon. Whether OWN cut the episode purposely, it appeared Ryan felt Tatum was taking a bit of his attention and Tatum was fighting a bit to just feel comfortable which she clearly wasn’t. Eventually, Ryan and Redmond left the luncheon without a word to Tatum. Once again she was invisible and no longer a thought…alone.

Barely able to hold it together, Tatum eventually excused herself. She decided she wasn’t going to entertain for her father. THEN…they met for dinner. Dinner with the O’Neals is never boring. With Mela around, Tatum tried to keep the conversation civil, but she fought her urges to be honest. Finally as Ryan continued to act nervous about meeting her son, Tatum gave him an out. Thinking that her dad was stressed about meeting her son, Tatum shared that “he holds you responsible for a lot of the things that happened to me…he holds you responsible for my heroine addiction.” Her dad had no clue this was coming. Poor Mela appeared she would have preferred sitting in a lion’s den to that table.

Now, I think I know where Tatum was coming from. “You know what you did,” she told her dad. “Do you want me to bring up drugs or the beating stuff?” Tatum asked Ryan when he questioned what he had done. There they were in the middle of a restaurant having one of the most important conversations they would ever have. Ryan’s face stiffened and he was clearly upset. Tatum had spoken the unspeakable. Maybe this was the only place she felt safe saying it…in the middle of dinner while being filmed.

People are sure to have opinions about this. Some won’t understand. But I know this…that conversation will stay with Tatum forever. How do I know? Because the day I confronted my own father about his abuse and alcoholism has been etched in my mind. People who haven’t had this in their lives don’t always understand. Having your father acknowledge that it happened matters. Letting him know that you are aware that it was wrong…is important. The truth matters. But for Ryan, he probably felt Tatum was hurting his reputation. No batterer wants people to know their little secrets. The mask is important to feeling good about yourself. Tatum was pulling it off. Mela sat with her and helped her to understand her dad…she only hoped that it wouldn’t end there. “She’s a blamer and a liar because she’s unhappy with the way she turned out. It has nothing to do with me,” Ryan later told the show.

So, here are my thoughts…Ryan thinks this is all about Farrah, but he doesn’t get it. Farrah may be the catalyst and a representation of the neglect Tatum felt, but this is so much bigger than a little girl being jealous of her daddy’s girlfriend. It all began with Tatum being exposed to the drugs and alcohol growing up. Her father took her everywhere…and as a result she was immersed in the party lifestyle of Hollywood. All these cool, glamorous people surrounding her drinking heavily and doing drugs. She grew up watching those she admired using. No wonder she ended up with addiction issues of her own. Not that it is anyone’s fault she used, but it was clear that her exposure wasn’t a positive influence. It became her normal. No child should be exposed to that.

Then there is the issue of abandonment. Tatum felt that the only parent she and her brother had turned his back on them…and he did. When a beautiful woman showed him attention, he became totally obsessed with her and the relationship. His children were an occasional after thought. Dumping his children in an apartment, Ryan moved on. “Once he picked Farrah and moved, I definitely felt unwanted and unloved. I think he abandoned me”. This pivotal act set the tone for Ryan and Tatum’s relationship issues. I am pretty sure that every relationship Tatum had in her life was impacted by her abandonment issues. Always worried that someone she loves will leave or not love her enough, only coupled with the desperate need to please. Not that all of us are the same, but many of us who had fathers that left us have these issues. If you don’t realize it and fix it…it can destroy your world.

This was a hard episode and I feel for both Ryan and Tatum. I am proud of Tatum for speaking the unspeakable. Most family members don’t react well when dirty family secrets are exposed. But the truth…no one can heal until it is all out there. In order for Tatum and her dad to have a chance, they have to clean out the wound. It may hurt and seem unbearable, but it has to get out. Maybe therapy will help. I only hope for them both that the conversation continues.

As for the teaser for next week….more tears, Ryan suddenly worried about Tatum’s new book and so much more!