OWN’s Ryan & Tatum: The O’Neals began on a somber note this week. Tatum’s good friend, Perry Moore, passed away from abusing prescription pills…a reminder of the fragility of her own struggle with addition. As Tatum prepared to head to New York City for the funeral, Ryan did his best to console his daughter. I couldn’t help but wonder if this news would throw Tatum into a depression. Losing someone, the rawness of addiction and all the issues with her father…would she be able to hold it all together?

Ryan tried to interject some good news. He invited Tatum to an Academy Award party that would take place when she returned. Unsure if she was up for the occasion, she told her father she’d let him know. Trying to wrap things up before she left, they worked on rescheduling their therapy appointment. Ryan pointed out they’d be going the day before the ceremony. Tatum joked “who doesn’t want to do family therapy the day before the Academy Awards?” At that point I’m thinking…not a good idea. Things are emotional enough. Finding a way to bring a little laughter into his daughter’s day, Ryan helped her pack for the funeral. However, he worried about how New York would affect her…the years in NY had been hard on Tatum. 

With so much on her mind, Tatum’s thoughts wandered to her relationship with her father. She had been in the process of writing her new book, Found, and her dad had seemed a bit antsy about it. Her first book, A Paper Life, was a tell all that shocked and hurt her father deeply. Knowing that her new book was about hope…not Ryan bashing, Tatum allowed her dad to read a bit hoping to ease some of his fears. However, as her father read aloud Tatum became increasingly nervous. I’m not sure she recalled what was to come. The last thing they needed was a fight right before she left. She quickly wrapped it up and promised him more when she returned from New York. Kicking her dad out of the house, both seemed to be in a good place…full of love for each other.

While Tatum dealt with her grief in New York, Ryan thought about her book and the parts he read about her mother. Reflecting back, he worried “if that’s what she says about her mom, what’s she gonna say about me?”. He left a message for Tatum in New York about his thoughts. He had hoped she would add something in about how great of an actress her mother was….out of respect. The other words had bit a little too honest for him. It’s not abnormal from someone to want people to only think the best of the ones they cared for. The problem is…I believe Tatum desperately needed to tell her truth in order be able to deal with the affects it had on her life. I can’t say it enough – acknowledgment is vital to learning and the healing process. After a great conversation on the phone, Ryan was looking forward to reading more with his daughter.

As he waited for Tatum to return, Ryan turned his focus to trying to get some control over Mozart. Reminded by the trainer of all that he needed to do, Ryan worked to improve Mozart’s behavior. Back on a leash and finally in a crate, Ryan was hopeful. Mozart couldn’t have been cuter as Ryan let him out of the crate. Taking him outside to go to the bathroom, Mozart jumped onto Ryan covering him in kisses. When Ryan instructed him to hurry up and go….Mozart ran straight inside the house and laid it down right on the rug. Well, he went! It was too funny. Baby steps, Ryan.

Coming home from New York Tatum was motivated to heal with her father…time is precious. Still dying to get his hands on the book, Tatum told him it was in the process of editing. Always worried about upsetting her father, Tatum mentioned it would be a good topic for family therapy. In the meantime, Ryan talked to his friend and agent, Todd, about taking some responsibility for the past and for the impact it made on Tatum’s life. I am not sure if it was truly felt or if he was simply doing it so they could move on. Regardless, it was a step and nice to hear. 

It had been a rough week for Tatum. Taking steps to pull her life together, Tatum meet with life coach, Dawn Andrews. She found that she was having trouble in auditions. Too often her father and her ex-husband were coming up in her meetings. She wanted to find a way to leave her issues in the past and she hoped Dawn could help her. Handing her a pen, Dawn attached the thoughts to the pen and simply asked Tatum to put it down…all of it. She then handed her a bottle of water to symbolizing empathy, love, empowerment and creativity. The pen may have gotten Tatum to where she was, but it was time to put it down. Sometimes all we need is a good “O moment metaphor” to be able to put it all in perspective. 

Feeling empowered, Tatum headed off to family therapy. Ryan hoped it would all go smoothly because he wanted Tatum to accompany him to the Academy Awards. Although the session began with mutual praise, the energy changed quickly. Tatum’s therapist told them that they would be covering their history in the session. Before she could even finish, Ryan blurted out “well then there won’t be any Academy Award party tomorrow”. Of course, this upset Tatum that her father would go there.

I paused the show for a moment and took a deep breath. I wish they could have done so. I think Ryan let his fear sabotage the session. He already felt nervous about something being said that would upset them enough to ruin the potential of going to the Academy Awards…a rare opportunity for special memory for them both. Nervous and almost willing it, I think he feared arguing over the past would end that chance. He may have been trying to joke a little, but the fear and uncertainty of the conversation was too much and it was clear. Tatum called him on the rude comment and asked him why he would say that. Ryan answered, “History is where the pain is. We survived a lot of things you and I, until I met Farrah.”

He is killing me! I could have reached through the TV and shook him myself. What was he thinking? Ryan it is time for you to own your truth and move forward. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FARRAH AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU NOT BEING A FATHER TO A CHILD WHO DESPERATELY NEEDED YOU. Sorry. I felt I needed to put it all in caps…as if it would somehow be loud enough for him to actually hear it. 

Ryan continued on and shared that Farrah was a bright spot in a dark time. However, falling into Farrah didn’t remove his responsibilities he had for being a father. He made a bad choice. He escaped and focused on his own love story…his children were on their own. Tatum reminded her father that at fifteen she didn’t know how to let her father just go and be happy. It appeared that Ryan had hoped for it, but I can’t imagine a child at that age being able to be okay with that situation. No child wants to be pushed aside and left on the curb. It was selfish mistake. What amazed me…they were able to talk about all this without getting really upset. They were really growing. UNTIL Ryan blew it.

He mentioned how in the past he had called Tatum for an acting part for John when they were married. He never got an answer back from them. As a thickness filled the room, Tatum tried to delicately explain the father-daughter climate at that time. Apparently Ryan had pushed Tatum when she was pregnant. For Ryan it was about him thinking that Tatum kept John from doing the part and ultimately having a relationship with him. For Tatum it was about her father getting physical with her when she was pregnant. As they continued to argue over semantics, Tatum replied “I am getting so angry.” It was clear she was ready to pop and a steady flow of later regrets would have spilled out. When Tatum told him that he knew he had pushed her, Ryan snapped “What did you miscarry? What happened?” He crossed a line. Suddenly Ryan closed up and even commented “you’re not use to me, you haven’t seen me in 25 years.” Trapped by a past they can’t seem to agree on, Ryan and Tatum once again danced around the truth. I wonder…if the cameras hadn’t of been there would it have been so clean, or would they have opened up more? I’m not sure if it hurt or helped. All I know is that two people who love each other deeply can’t seem to find stable ground. Feeling hurt and prodded, Tatum finally said what she had been wanting to say, “You brutalized me.” Ryan couldn’t understand why Tatum even wanted to try if he was so bad…why would she? “You constantly show me that you’re not the guy I should be coming back to,” she continued. Like a dagger the last comment drew an end to the session. Ryan was hurt….Tatum was angry…and their date for the Academy Awards didn’t appear to be a possibility. 

If only they were able to communicate without all the defenses. Don’t get me wrong…they have made amazing leaps to a healthier relationship. But both are needing something different. To start, it appears that Tatum just needs an “I’m sorry for the things I did” with a true understanding of why it was wrong. Ryan needs to find a way to apologize for not being a father without having to feel worthless and humiliated. The problem is…without acknowledging his past mistakes, he is telling his daughter that she is a liar. I’m not sure if he is too selfish to see it, or simply to defensive to admit it. He is an actor and what the public thinks about him matters. Maybe even more that what his daughter thinks. 

Leaving isn’t new for either of Ryan or Tatum. I only hope they can find a way to get back before it is too late. By the looks of next week, it will take time. They have come so far. Every journey has bumps and crashes. That is okay as long as they remember to keep moving forward. Get up and try again. It takes time. But if you want it, it can happen. It may take YEARS of talking, but eventually they can get there and it doesn’t have to be perfect…it just needs to be good enough. 

Next episode…Ryan is desperate to get his hands on Tatum’s book, Tatum gets more honest and therapy continues. I think I need to meditate and listen to some calming music before the next episode begins!