For a week, I’ve been moving through the motions. In a warm body with blood running through my veins…trying to not be too emotional when not appropriate…because that is what you do….proceed as normal. A week ago, I had what millions of people go through every day – a biopsy. I haven’t written about it…I’ve actually tried not to think about it too much. I haven’t told many…just a few…who have tried to be reassuring and pretend that it’s no big deal, but let’s face it – anytime you have a test that you have to wait for results for, it’s a big deal.
Over a week now, I’ve reminded myself to breath, to focus, to settle in, to not worry…I have been my own perfect best friend through this….knowing that I’ve got this because I’m not alone…because I’m stronger than I realize…because I have faith.
So, for the last week while friends and family go through emotional crisis, angry breakdowns, temper tantrums, and stress from miscommunication, I try to breathe through it and move through the process. I have submerged myself in the holiday season and have come out the other side with a decorated house and a little more cheer in the process. I’ve tried to stay afloat through it all…and keep focused on the moment…and off the topic of waiting…until today. It’s been a week. They said it would take a week.
In a little way, I feel like a foolish teenage girl again glued to the phone while I wait for it to ring, trying to move through the day as best I can…pretending that I’m not thinking about it, when that’s exactly what I am doing. My core peeps are quieter than usual…each waiting to text or ask what they really want to know… “Have you heard anything?” Today, I realized in a single moment when someone I love was being a little too cheery but I could see the stress behind her eyes…it may be more difficult for them…the waiting. When in truth…everything is beyond our control. It’s all about waiting…
It reminds me of Oprah telling her biopsy story at OYOU this year. I wonder if she had to wait for 7 days. I wonder if those around her were a little too cheery too. I wonder if she was this scared. I wonder if she knew for sure that God and faith are really the only things you have when you sit and wait and wonder what’s next. So many plans and deals made with God in heart to heart talks. Why do we wait until life shakes you in some way to wake up? Waking up is the best part of the day. Its life…brand new…waiting for the taking…meeting you in the morning saying, “Wake up, sleepy head. Let’s start living!”
Finally. Phone rings. Deep breath. Not cancer. Long exhale. Now the tears that have been held back for 7 days overwhelm me…somewhere between on my knees to pray and jumping up to do a happy dance. Deep breath again. Thank you God.
All of the lessons that unfold at our feet each day…all of the deep breaths from all over the world….the waiting is the hardest part, but the living right now in this moment is where to put your energy. Health and love to each of you reading. May sometime today, you find yourself a moment to take yourself to somewhere between a prayer and a happy dance to just be joyous for your life and all the special moments you’ve had and all of the amazing living yet to come.